Friday, May 8, 2009

MY bike and dog By:Sheldon Smook

MY BIKE AND DOG

One day my dad decided instead of getting a car when I turn sixteen we would just spend the money on a bike for me. Witch I did like that idea because then I can get my bike sooner. So then we ordered a new 2009 Norco havoc because the one they had there was all scratched up and I didn’t want a scratched bike. so when the bike arrived they put it together for me and we went down there to get it we paid and we took it home. When I got home my puppy was missing. So that day we went looking for her then I went over to Tristan’s place and we went looking for her but we didn’t find her so then I just had a sleep over at Tristan’s. The next day me and my brother went to the house right behind ours and asked if they seen her but they didn’t and they also lost there dog. So later on that day the guy we asked if he seen our dog went looking for his and he found mine so he went to my place to tell use I hoped in his truck and we went and got her. His friend also bot the car we were selling so it all turned out good. Even later on that day he found his dog
Posted by at

9 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 11, 2009 at 1:24 PM

    There is a Truck in your story
    i quite fancy trucks... and mentos
    mentos are yummy

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMay 11, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    ok so the line Witch i did like that ideea you should change it to something like Which I liked more
    and your story has alot of run ons

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 11, 2009 at 1:27 PM

    omg logan your an idiot

    ReplyDelete
  4. jane andersonMay 11, 2009 at 1:37 PM

    The "S" in "so" should be capitalized because it's at the beginning of a sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dtubs in the brown sweataaMay 11, 2009 at 1:43 PM

    Hi there I liked your story but it had some spelling errors and grammar mistakes. But other than that you did a good job.

    "hoped" should be "hopped"
    "there dog" should be "their dog"

    I liked the conflict about a lost puppy.

    I also like the specific detail aobut the "2009 Norco havoc" also.

    ReplyDelete
  6. thuggy dMay 11, 2009 at 1:44 PM

    you have your words mixed up like use instead of us there when it is supposed to be their and lack of periods, there is no t in wich i liked it cause you made it an adventure. I understand your main character not wanting a scratched bike

    ReplyDelete
  7. Stu Rox SoxMay 20, 2009 at 1:42 PM

    I really like your story, but there are a few things that bother me. One of the things is that you have lots of run-ons, and u also missed a couple capitilized letters other that supurb job! =D

    ReplyDelete
  8. Silly-muffinMay 20, 2009 at 1:46 PM

    "Witch(which) I did like that idea because then I can get my bike sooner."
    "So then we ordered a new 2009 Norco havoc because the one they had there was all" this line should be "We ordered a new 2009 Norco Havoc, the bike they had at the store was covered in scratches, i refused to get a scratched bike."
    "So when the bike arrived they put it together for me and we went down there to get it we paid and we took it home" you should not start a sentence with So, you should start it with When the bike arrived... and so on. you should put more detail in "we went down there to get it we paid and we took it home" like say you got there and did you go to the store? what happened to the puppy? you should add more specific detail and describe your surrounding.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousJune 8, 2009 at 1:48 PM

    Ya i wasnt really trying to make it perfect

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)