Time to ride.
I was wondering why they asked me to go. I sat there on my sled with my cracked hood they call my name. If they call your name that either meant two things, one, you were eliminated from the competition or two, you were called up to ride again. As I walk up to the front where they called me to go I wondered what is going to happen? Am I out of the competition? Or am I up to show them what I can do best? As I walk by my friend Jacob he wishes me good luck for what ever happens. Finally I am at the front waiting for what there about to tell me. Good new, or bad news? “hey kid” greets Brett Turcotte. “hey…” “you’re a good sledder bud” reply’s Brett “Jee thanks I haven’t been told that a lot” “well you just got told that by a professional sleder, and now your just getting told that I’m giving you another chance to ride and show my what you can do best” “okay sure I wont let you down I’m going to give you my all for this” I replied. Yeah this is my time to show them what I got. Then when I walk past Jacob he just smiles at me, you could basically tell what he was thinking just by looking at him. Now I got to get all my stuff ready within 25 minutes I had all my gear on and my tank full…..to be continued
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Some things that I enjoyed about your story were the great words you used such as: eliminated. I also like how you used the simile "and my tank full". Some weaknesses you had though were simple things that won't affect your writing too much...things like spelling errors ("sleder" should be "sledder"). One recommendation I could make would be to indent, as though you are starting a new paragraph, each time a new character speaks.
ReplyDeletee.g.
"Hey, kid," greets Brett Turcotte.
"Hey."
"You're a good sledder, Bud," replies Brett.
So..each time a different character responds, indent. :)
Great job!!!
thanks, haha i didnt really know what to do it on and i was gonna go through it but i didnt have time. I am making a new story right now with better grammer and punctuation. Thank you
ReplyDeleteI like the way you think.
ReplyDeletebut your sentance variety is very poor.
you should try to improve on your vocabulary as well.
Hi Brian!
ReplyDeleteGreat first line (we call that a "lead" sentence). I like it because now as a reader, I am wondering, "Who is 'they'?" and "Go where?" So you have my attention right away!
I like the detail of the "cracked hood".
I also liked the words, "replies" and "greets".
Great line, "Yeah, this is my time to show them what I've got." The reader really connects with the excitement of this moment, and begins 'cheering' for your character.
There are some spelling errors--"replies" and "sledder" are the correct versions.
Also, start a NEW LINE and INDENT whenever someone new speaks. Ohhh--I see that a student has already said that, in a previous comment.
Great job!
lots of run ons but i like; How much?
ReplyDelete