Friday, May 8, 2009

English Story (revised)

Jeff

James and Tom were very excited about their heli-skiing trip. Then the day before the trip, their uncle called saying he was un-able to take them and that they had to re-schedule for another time later in the winter. James and Tom were bummed, but they weren’t going to take no for an answer. So they headed out in James’s truck to go make a jump in the valley. An hour later the jump was made and James and Tom were hiking up for their first run. Tom went first and nailed a cab 540 and landed smoothly, “yeah man, that was sweet!” said James. James hit the kicker on an angle and ended up catching an edge and went flailing through the air. Tom’s mouth opened so wide it could have fallen off, this was going to be bad… When he landed he fell into what looked like powder but was actually 2 inches of snow then a thin sheet of ice over a pond. James broke through and plummeted into the ice cold water. Tom realized this and came running to his aid and tried to grab on to the dead like body. The two friends were close but yet so far away. James was rushed to the hospital and later died of hypothermia, it was too late. Months later the vivid memory was still in Toms mind, his friend lost, a brother gone forever. Tom occasionally visited the valley where the tragic accident happened, in the summer it was filled with flowers and bright and cheerful, in the winter it was white and gloomy with its surrounding trees and ice covered pond. The memories of two best friends, only to be memories in the end…

6 comments:

  1. that was a great story probably better writting than me and im going into grade 11

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  2. Plummeted, vivid, and hypothermia are all great words!
    Just keep in mind that you should make a new paragraph for each space where time spans out a bit, or a new idea is introduced.
    "Months later the vivid memory was still in Toms mind, his friend lost, a brother gone forever."
    That was a really sad line... and the ending was excellent. Great work!

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  3. “Tom’s mouth opened so wide it could have fallen off” Very good sentence!
    Great words:
    plummeted
    re-schedule
    realized
    hypothermia
    occasionally
    tragic
    Make sure to watch out for capitals and punctuation.

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  4. good story again better revised but maybe add some humour

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  5. Im with inrecaie
    HUMOR man thats kinda harsh he died
    but still good story

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