Food Town
“Polly, time to wake up!” Mom yelled from the kitchen. Polly pulled herself out of the freezer and went to the kitchen to see her mom. “You’re such a lazy popsicle,” Mom said.
“Whatever I’m going out, don’t know when I’ll be back,”
“But you haven’t even eaten breakfast yet,” mom tried to say but it was too late she was already out the door. Polly walked down the street to the bus stop so she could go to the Mall.
“SCREECH,” the bus needed new brakes badly. Polly went on the bus and sat down. The bus was always crowded but today she was the only one on it. It took one hour for the bus to reach its stop when it normally only takes ten minutes to get to the mall.
“We’re here,” the bus driver announced and Polly got off the bus. Instead of looking at the mall Polly was seeing mountains. She took a couple steps and noticed a sign that said “Welcome to Jube-Jube Mountains.” Polly looked around and seen a cottage on top of the mountains. She turned around to get back on the bus and go home but the bus had already driven away. It looked like the only way to get home was to walk home or climb to the cottage and use the phone.
It was a long walk up the mountain and would take hours to get up.
“Looks like I better start walking now,” Polly said to herself. Since there was no trail, she chose the closest spot to climb up the mountain which was a green Jube-Jube that was to the left of her. When she reached the foot of the mountain and looked up, the mountain looked really big. She started to hike up the mountain and after 10 minutes she was already tired.
It took one hour to walk all the way up the mountain. Once she reached the top, she met another Popsicle named Hank.
“Do you know where the nearest bus stop is?” Polly asked.
“It’s about 19 km to the east of that lamp post,” He answered, pointing to a lamp post at the bottom of the mountain.
“Does that mean I have to walk all the way back down the mountain?”
“No, you can just take the tram.” Hank said as he pointed toward something on a wire cable.
“You mean I walked all the way up here when I could have taken the tram?” Polly complained.
“Yea, pretty much.”
Polly got on the tram and went back down the mountain. It only took ten minutes to get down. When she reached the bottom, she started walking east. While she walked she saw many trees, so she started to count them. She restarted counting many times, so when she reached the bus stop she was only at 12. It took her two hours to walk there from the mountains.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
That was an excellent story! You are an awesome writer with lots of imagination and creativity. There were hardly any errors, except you need to watch out for run-on sentences. Heres an example: "Polly went on the bus and sat down. The bus was always crowded but today she was the only one on it," should look like this, "Polly went on the bus and sat down, the bus was always crowded but today she was the only one on it." Notice how I substituted the period to the comma? And then which I would have to change the T on the word the to a lowercase letter. Overall, terrific!
ReplyDeleteHi Melissa!
ReplyDeleteStrong first line--you started with dialogue. This is always a good way to pull the reader in effectively! I really liked the mother's words to her daughter, calling her a "lazy popsicle"...at first, I thought that you had used this as a metaphor to show affection between the mother and daughter, but as I read on, I realized that Polly IS a popsicle. What a humorous and imaginative set of characters--popsicles, who get dropped off at Ju-Jube Mountains. And your title reinforces this imaginative characterization too. Nice!
My student, Jane, made a small mistake in her blog comment: she said that you needed to change your period to a comma, on "Polly went on the bus and sat down. The bus was always crowded, but today she was the only one on it." NOT TRUE! You need a period between these two full sentences. Jane was correct about you having a run-on error, though. Here is one you could fix:
"But you haven't even eaten breakfast yet," mom tried to say but it was too late she was already out the door.
This should read:
"But you haven't even eaten breakfast yet," mom tried to say, but it was too late. She was already out the door.
After "late", you must add a period, since you have a subject (SHE) and a verb (WAS) in the next sentence, so it is a complete sentence all by itself.
If you have a chance, you should add a few more characters that Polly meets on her hike up the green Ju-Jube...your idea is so cool and I would love to read more. You could have her meet other humourous food characters, like Fred the Fudgsicle, or soemthing!
Hi Melissa!
ReplyDeleteI apologize for my typo in my previous comment--my system shut down on me at 5:30 (it automatically shuts down, at PGSS, at 5:30 every evening) and I was hurrying to finish!
So I know that "something" is not spelled correctly, in that last comment. :)
Also: I wanted to add a couple of other "food character" humourous suggestions...maybe, the Twix Twins...or Spear Mint...or if you wanted to stick with freezer items...Van Illa....
Loved your story!