The worst day of my life.
My name is mohathiur and
this is my journal. Your reading it aren’t you soooo , if you’re my little sis jade get out of my journal. If its you carly…. I love you , I have always loved you .
If this is my parents then I don’t think you should ground me from my last entry about you guys that would be unfair. Im sorry dad but you really need to get rid of your mullet like I mean who says biusness in the front party in the back. Iam 13 years old and I am an east Indian. So it all started yesterday when my teacher wouldn’t except my S.A.
“But .. Mr. lolen I finished it and I know it was late but.” I tried to give it up but he stopped me.
“ Im sorry Mr.drons but your home work was late and I cant except it.” I swear he could’ve let me.
“Fine Ill go.” I tried not to giggle when I saw loser on his back but I let it out and ran.
“What are you laughing about?” I hope you know that this CARLY speaking the first time she talked to me!
“ Uhmmmmm. Look at mr. lolen twice.” As she looked I couldn’t help but look at her beautiful side.
“Hahaha that is funny.”Right then and there some just had to dump there water on me while they were walking by. IN THE FRONT AREA…
“Of course she laughed and I was embarrassed, in front of the whole school.” God I should have known to step back. Oh well.
“ hahahaha. God you PEED YOUR PANTS. Loser.” As she looks at me really weird and walks away.”
Then Mr. Lolins took me away to detention cus he thought it was me. The worst day of my LIFE!. As I was in detention I was thinking that they might nickname me mammas boy or something.
Its like a jail in there. The teachers wont stop staring at me and this girl keeps checkin me out.
SHES NOT EVEN HAWT! I hate detention room. It freaks me out. The teacher sucks cause I swear to god she is a vampire. One time she threw a kid in the dungeon room because she caught
him chewing gum. If I just sit quietly then I wont die.
“RINNNNGGGGG!!” Every body ran to the halls.
“How was it? That was your first in there.” My annoying friend said. He is very annoying he wants to know everything about me. Its just a little weird.
“ What nickname id you get? Was it flathead ,racked eyes?” Right then and there I was thinking of ways to injure him after school.
“Well! Tell me!” he said very anxious.
“ok fine it all began when I was sitting there.” I was trying to say it slow so he would under stand.
“ I sat down and some kid had gum on my chair before that.” I was talking while he was interrupting me.
“Did you dodge it?”
“NO!”I simply had to yell at him.
“Ill tell you later ok!”I said angrily
“Ok fine.”
“I gotta get home before my mom yells at me again.”
While I was walking home I saw balloons in my front yard. I totally forgot it was my birthday today. I was way too busy to tell thinking about action room…… Scary. Iam Never going back. While I was walking In the front door the lights were turned off.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!” Its kind of sad they were way out of tune.
“HERES UR CA…..!”
Just as he said that my cake landed all over my face.
Well I guess it is the worst day of my life.
And I told you Not to read it!!
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You are a very good writer with lots of imagination and creativity. Your work is very expressive and contains many great words! I even spotted a great simile you wrote: "Its like a jail in there." A few things you may want to work on is remembering to capitalize the needed letters. For example Mr. lolen should have a capital L. Another thing to work on is run-ons, don't forget to use commas. For example: "While I was walking home I saw balloons in my front yard. I totally forgot it was my birthday today. I was way too busy to tell thinking about action room.....Scary. Iam never going back," SHOULD look like this: While I was walking home I saw balloons in my front yard, I totally forgot it was my birthday today, I was way too busy thinking about action room...Scary. I am never going back. But overall good work and you just have a few mistakes that are very easy to fix!
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteYou have a real VOICE in your writing, which means that I can sense your personality and expression in your words. I really appreciate that. I like how you pepper your (unedited!) character's thoughts throughout the piece...your decision to choose a journal entry format is a great one for you as a writer, since you can make the most of your flair and expression in that format! You can make your "I" voice think outrageous and funny things, and you don't have to edit, since it's a journal or diary! Very good choice.
I liked the hyperbole (exaggeration) you use for emphasis, like the comparison of your teacher to a vampire...or feeling like detention is a prison...or feeling like you're going to die. It adds to the humour and power in your work.
I also laughed out loud at the second line of your piece, about telling your "little sis Jade" to "get out" of your journal. Very funny introductory sentences.
I liked your good vocabulary words like "giggle", "anxious" and "mullet". (Too funny about the mullet--I loved it.)
Watch slang in your work (even if you are writing journal entries): "cus" or "cause"...should be "because". S.A. is actually a full word, "essay" (which you will write lots of, in high school!).
My student Jane made a small error in telling you to use commas in your sentences...you were correct how YOU had those sentences...these are all complete sentences, so you were RIGHT to use periods between them. A little hint: you could use semicolons to join them, too--you can use a semicolon to join two complete sentences if you don't want to break them up by using a period.
e.g. She hated his mullet. It was horrible.
could become: She hated his mullet; it was horrible.
:)
Great work!