That Boy.
The heartache that boy has caused. His name is Jeremiah.
He was the High schools most valuable football player, and every girl had to get with him because he was the most popular boy the small town has ever encountered. Girls lined up to date him. Cheerleaders were the first on his list.
He dated every single girl he could get his hands on.
One day a beautiful, smart, and sensible girl moved into
a small town called Oakville, She started going to school at Oakville High School.
As soon as Jeremiah laid eyes on her beach blonde hair and big chest he all of a sudden became wordless. After the first week of school, Jeremiah found that he had chemistry and math with her. He also encountered that her name is Sara Bethany Crisfield.
He felt vulnerable and almost desperate to be her boyfriend. She had around 20 friends. It was a Thursday morning, when she was getting ready for school when her friend Ashley phoned her. They were talking about hot guys at their school. Ashley’s first thought was Jeremiah. Ashley said “ I dated Jeremiah last year, he’s a real hunk, and he’s also a football player.” Sara sighed and said “well I haven’t seen him around but show me him when we get to school. They both hung up the phone to finish eating breakfast. In the car ride over to school Sara’s mother warned her to be careful about the people she decides to trust. Slamming the Mercedes car door shut Sara madly began to walk up the schools pathway. Ashley saw her and they ran to hug. A long day of school went by until it was lunch. Ashley and Sara went to the concession and Ashley whispered, “ There he is”! Sara turned to look but then asked “ which one? That boy in the red circa shirt?”
Ashley whispered back saying “ yes, isn’t he gorgeous?” Sara turned to look back at him and replied, “ He’s okay. Sara glared her down. Ashley admitted, “All right he’s quite handsome.” A couple days passed by as Jeremiah finally had the courage to walk up to Sara and say hey. She replied to him with a shaky voice. “Hey Jeremiah.” They shared their names, and confidently agreed to go on a date together. Sara’s mother was not too happy when Sara greeted her mother at home, after her exciting day. She couldn’t even describe the emotion she felt. The days past as Jeremiah and Sara remained good friends but the day of their date, Sara didn’t show. She wasn’t at school the day after either. Her friends and family were very worried for were she disappeared, and what happened to Sara. Jeremiah was worried to death; he even thought she was the one for him.
The police received a phone call from a person saying they found a dead body, and they think it was the missing girl. Her mother had phoned the police ever since the 3rd day she was missing, they’ve been searching ever since. The police arrived in this alley, she was found dead, in the trashcan. Her mother was ballistic, and heartbroken. The school, and students found out what happened, Jeremiah, and Sara, and everyone that didn’t even no her was devastated. Jeremiah and Ashley started to hang out, and became good friends.
A year later, everyone grew fond of Ashley and Jeremiah dating… They all forgot Sara even existed. Except her Mother, she remembered. She was put in a crazy home, without her daughter she felt like she had no right to live either, she tried killing herself numerous times, but someone always found her at the point where she was about to.
No one knows what ever happened, Sara became a forgotten ghost, of beauty and despair, but all in all, her best friend found her true love, and her mother, well that’s a different story, she never did make it past two years without her beloved daughter gone. There was no part in her that wanted to live. Soon after Ashley’s mother committed suicide, everyone started to go downhill. The town came into a recession, and broke out in sorrow ness. Nobody knew what was happening. Some people believed Ashley and her mother were haunting the small town. They died, but never left. Others believed it was all just because they were getting revenge. Nobody knows what really happened, but As far as Sara and her mom know they will never stop fighting until the next generation of people, free their souls, and free Ashley’s suicidal mistake. Ashley didn’t get raped, nor killed; she committed deadly suicide, because she felt as though she wasn’t good enough for Jeremiah. She felt fat, and ugly, and was threatened by his popularity. She started to hate herself, and everything her mother was making her become. So she killed herself. Jeremiah and Ashley were obviously dead, since it was the next generation of people. The town never remained the same after Sara died. She eventually stopped haunting the small town, and the recession grew out after all those years. People started to move back into Oakville, and start family’s, and build new buildings. Oakville High School burnt down the year of 1876. The town started to grow back what it lost, and then one day something horrendous happened. The town was attacked by a military bomb, on accident, and the entire town was set to flames. No one knows what set it off, and the family of Crisfield obviously still remained present, in the ruined town of Oakville.
The heartache that boy has caused. His name is Jeremiah.
He was the High schools most valuable football player, and every girl had to get with him because he was the most popular boy the small town has ever encountered. Girls lined up to date him. Cheerleaders were the first on his list.
He dated every single girl he could get his hands on.
One day a beautiful, smart, and sensible girl moved into
a small town called Oakville, She started going to school at Oakville High School.
As soon as Jeremiah laid eyes on her beach blonde hair and big chest he all of a sudden became wordless. After the first week of school, Jeremiah found that he had chemistry and math with her. He also encountered that her name is Sara Bethany Crisfield.
He felt vulnerable and almost desperate to be her boyfriend. She had around 20 friends. It was a Thursday morning, when she was getting ready for school when her friend Ashley phoned her. They were talking about hot guys at their school. Ashley’s first thought was Jeremiah. Ashley said “ I dated Jeremiah last year, he’s a real hunk, and he’s also a football player.” Sara sighed and said “well I haven’t seen him around but show me him when we get to school. They both hung up the phone to finish eating breakfast. In the car ride over to school Sara’s mother warned her to be careful about the people she decides to trust. Slamming the Mercedes car door shut Sara madly began to walk up the schools pathway. Ashley saw her and they ran to hug. A long day of school went by until it was lunch. Ashley and Sara went to the concession and Ashley whispered, “ There he is”! Sara turned to look but then asked “ which one? That boy in the red circa shirt?”
Ashley whispered back saying “ yes, isn’t he gorgeous?” Sara turned to look back at him and replied, “ He’s okay. Sara glared her down. Ashley admitted, “All right he’s quite handsome.” A couple days passed by as Jeremiah finally had the courage to walk up to Sara and say hey. She replied to him with a shaky voice. “Hey Jeremiah.” They shared their names, and confidently agreed to go on a date together. Sara’s mother was not too happy when Sara greeted her mother at home, after her exciting day. She couldn’t even describe the emotion she felt. The days past as Jeremiah and Sara remained good friends but the day of their date, Sara didn’t show. She wasn’t at school the day after either. Her friends and family were very worried for were she disappeared, and what happened to Sara. Jeremiah was worried to death; he even thought she was the one for him.
The police received a phone call from a person saying they found a dead body, and they think it was the missing girl. Her mother had phoned the police ever since the 3rd day she was missing, they’ve been searching ever since. The police arrived in this alley, she was found dead, in the trashcan. Her mother was ballistic, and heartbroken. The school, and students found out what happened, Jeremiah, and Sara, and everyone that didn’t even no her was devastated. Jeremiah and Ashley started to hang out, and became good friends.
A year later, everyone grew fond of Ashley and Jeremiah dating… They all forgot Sara even existed. Except her Mother, she remembered. She was put in a crazy home, without her daughter she felt like she had no right to live either, she tried killing herself numerous times, but someone always found her at the point where she was about to.
No one knows what ever happened, Sara became a forgotten ghost, of beauty and despair, but all in all, her best friend found her true love, and her mother, well that’s a different story, she never did make it past two years without her beloved daughter gone. There was no part in her that wanted to live. Soon after Ashley’s mother committed suicide, everyone started to go downhill. The town came into a recession, and broke out in sorrow ness. Nobody knew what was happening. Some people believed Ashley and her mother were haunting the small town. They died, but never left. Others believed it was all just because they were getting revenge. Nobody knows what really happened, but As far as Sara and her mom know they will never stop fighting until the next generation of people, free their souls, and free Ashley’s suicidal mistake. Ashley didn’t get raped, nor killed; she committed deadly suicide, because she felt as though she wasn’t good enough for Jeremiah. She felt fat, and ugly, and was threatened by his popularity. She started to hate herself, and everything her mother was making her become. So she killed herself. Jeremiah and Ashley were obviously dead, since it was the next generation of people. The town never remained the same after Sara died. She eventually stopped haunting the small town, and the recession grew out after all those years. People started to move back into Oakville, and start family’s, and build new buildings. Oakville High School burnt down the year of 1876. The town started to grow back what it lost, and then one day something horrendous happened. The town was attacked by a military bomb, on accident, and the entire town was set to flames. No one knows what set it off, and the family of Crisfield obviously still remained present, in the ruined town of Oakville.
The beginning part of your story has a great hook to keep the reader reading! "The heartache that boy has caused..." makes you want to know exactly what the heartache was! I also like the line "He felt vulnerable and almost desperate to be her boyfriend..." I think many people can relate to that feeling. I found it a bit confusing though when Sara goes missing because a couple of times you talked about Ashley so I wasn't sure who went missing and who died. This could just be a typo. Could you check this please?
ReplyDeleteyeap for shure, ps: Ashley was the Friend, sara was the girl that died. i will re-read and go through for mistakes. thanks for the comment,.:)
ReplyDeletei was trying to end more quickly, so i had to find something toe nd the story, and the finishing is she goes missing, i no it jumps from on spot to the next, and doesnt ahve that great of an ending but i really needed to find an ending because i wanted to start on enw storys, adn i was in a rush, so thats why,
ReplyDeleteOh, Hailey, I love the line, "One day a beautiful, smart and sensible girl moved into a small town called Oakville." LOVED the word "sensible": I smiled and thought, Uh oh...sensibility (Sara) and selfishness (Jeremiah)are being set up by the author, to meet! The poor 'sensible' girl is either going to encounter the egomaniacal athlete and be hurt; OR maybe the sensible girl will WIN OVER the self-centred Jeremiah and he will LEARN and GROW, like a good dynamic character!! It made me read on...
ReplyDeleteand then I laughed again--"bleach blond hair and a big chest" catching his attention made me think that he was pretty shallow; but then, a line later, he feels "vulnerable" and "desperate", so I think, Hm, maybe he isn't so bad. (Interesting characterization, by the way, since you keep me guessing--excellent!)
When Sara goes missing, and then terrible things happen (suicide, etc), it seems as though you branched out into too many stories, perhaps? There was a large jump in time when you said, "A year later, everyone grew fond of Jeremiah and Ashley dating". Your story was SO good when it focused day by day on the 3 characters, Jeremiah, Sara, and Ashley...and it lost some of its power, I think, when you moved it ahead a year, and then there was a suicide, a school burning down, and a bombing. All these things are great ideas, but maybe better off in separate stories?
I loved the line, "Sara became a forgotten ghost of beauty and despair"...wow. What a beautiful metaphor!
You are a talented writer with rich characterization, strong imagery and good humour!