Jeff
James and Tom were very excited about their heli-skiing trip. Then the day before the trip, their uncle called saying he was un-able to take them and that they had to re-schedule for another time later in the winter. James and Tom were bummed, but they weren’t going to take no for an answer. So they headed out in James’s truck to go make a jump in the valley. An hour later the jump was made and James and Tom were hiking up for their first run. Tom went first and nailed a cab 540 and landed smoothly, James hit the kicker on an angle and ended up catching an edge and went flailing through the air. When he landed he fell into what looked like powder but was actually 2 inches of snow then a thin sheet of ice over a pond. James broke through and plummeted into the ice cold water. Tom realized this and came running to his aid and tried to grab on to the dead like body. James was rushed to the hospital and later died of hypothermia, it was too late. Months later the vivid memory was still in Toms mind, but he usually visited the valley where the tragic accident happened.
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Hi im A student from pgss ive been assigned to casually commenty on your work.
ReplyDeleteBummed is a slang term.
try:disappointed
disheartened
creates a straightforward story.
language is generally clear and straight forward.
Hi Jeff!
ReplyDeleteYour story is clear and straightforward, just as Aidan, my student, stated in the post before mine!
I also really appreciated the following great vocabulary choices:
-"flailing"
-"plummeted"
-"vivid"
-"tragic"
It makes such a difference to a reader when we can read great words!
I would love to know a bit more about your characters James and Tom...maybe through their words (dialogue) or perhaps through you, the author, giving some background on their friendship and why they like heli-skiing...they must be adventurous and risk-taking characters. The reason a bit more characterization is needed is because your ending is so GOOD: it shows that Tom was really impacted by James' death. He remembered the events "months later", and he visits the place where the tragedy occurred...wow...that says that these two had a bond. It shows some depth to Tom's character. So you gave me a little taste of Tom's inner self and his emotions...now I would have loved to have known more about both Tom and James, from the beginning.
You use skiing terms really well and really easily--do you ski? :)
Good job!!