The Only Grade 9
The day that Kyle found out he was failing was the day he stopped arguing with his parents. It was the day he stopped complaining about chores, school, and any other thing a regular 14 year old boy would complain about. He couldn’t complain. He realized that they weren’t the worse things in life. Kyle, funny popular class clown Kyle… was now the stupid kid
The day before:
Kyle was on top of the world. He had just gotten, in his opinion, the hottest girl in the school, Even if the school only had 140 kids in it. There wasn’t much selection. Anyways he was happy. His life seemed to be going okay. He was getting along with his parents. Well… he wasn’t grounded. His school behaviour was doing well. He had just gotten out of the stupid tutoring program because of his mid-term, and report card day was tomorrow days which he was fairly confident about. He was kind of tired. This suited him, as he was always tired. He was very ready to go home and talk on the computer until his eyes fell out of his head. Today was going to be a good day.
Kyle was on his way home from school when he saw Brody. Brody was his best friend since grade 1. Even though Brody had been held back in grade 1 he still acted like a grade 9. Kyle and Brody had had a fight last week and Kyle was still trying to patch things up. Kyle caught up with Brody and said “Hey Brody, how’s it going?” “Pretty good” Replied Brody, “What do you want?” “I was wondering what your doing this weekend?” said Kyle. Brody thought for a moment then said “Well mom said that I could hang out with you on Friday.” Kyle realized that Brody’s mom had been trying to get Brody to hang out with him again. Kyle suddenly filled with a deep respect for Brody’s mother. Still smiling inside Kyle said “Ok, I don’t think I’m doing anything then so come on over.” As Kyle walked away he was thinking this was the best day ever.
Kyle was getting yelled at. He didn’t know what he’d done yet. Shed just started yelling like a cow in heat when he got in the door. He caught a little about “stupid” and “What are we going to do” but the rest he was still working on understanding.
When she finally calmed down enough to understand Kyle had tuned her out. So he didn’t figure out what she was saying until about half an hour later.
Kyle was failing. That was all. That was it. It was those 3 words that hit him so hard he almost fell over. How was this happening? He’d passed his midterm. He’d got good enough grades on it to leave his tutoring program. Why the heck was he failing now?
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What a great first line, Dalton. I absolutely loved it. It sets you up for such a good technique of using a flashback.
ReplyDeleteYour sentence "He couldn't complain" in your intro was a terrific short one, surrounded by longer ones, which gives you what we call SLV (sentence length variety). Your use of ellipsis (the three dots) [...] "Kyle...was now stupid" is really excellent. It asks the reader to pause before reading the central theme and internal conflict of our protagonist!
The line, "He was very ready to go home and talk on his computer until his eyes fell out of his head" is really funny.
I was very impressed by the line, "Kyle [was] filled with a deep respect for Brody's mother", followed by the great phrase "smiling inside". This reveals Kyle's character as thoughtful and fundamentally good. Even though he is struggling with school, he enjoys being respected and wants people to see him as a good person.
Wow--the simile, "yelling like a cow in heat" is a GREAT one!
Nice finish!! The reader wonders that too...I want to read on, and find out what happened.
GREAT JOB!
Dalton--one of my English 10 students named Mike Angus was having trouble posting his comment so he wanted me to say this to you:
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story and wow, I found the character very relatable. I've had trouble in school before too and I hate it when I think things are going okay and then suddenly, I'm in trouble. I also liked the cow in heat image--makes the yelling seem really crazy.
hello Dalton,
ReplyDeleteMy name Matthew and I'm a student at PGSS. I've listed all the error first then your stren./weak.
Then lastly my thoughts.
etc.
The day before:
etc.
etc.
The day before: etc.
Well… he wasn’t grounded.
Well, he wasn't grounded.
His school behaviour was doing well. He had etc.
His school behavoour was acceptable, he had etc.
He was kind of tired. This suited him, as etc.
He was kind of tired: this suited him as etc.
grade 1= wrong
grade one= right
when character is saying something to another character always make it into a new paragraph
ex. Kyle caught up with Brody and said, “hey Brody, how’s it going?”
“Pretty good,” replied Brody, “what do you want?”
“I was wondering what your doing this weekend?” said Kyle.
etc.
Kyle was getting yelled at. He didn’t know what he’d done yet.
Kyle was getting yelled at, he didn't know what he'd done.
indent all paragraphs
last paragraph, less sentences, more commas
Strengths:
good story topic
good use of paragraphs
good background info
good characters
Weaknesses
need to indent paragraphs
sentences fragmented
never use "..." use ":"
needs better words
need to indent conversations
Comments
Well the story was good; something that pretty much everbody could identify with. A few errors that a good proof-reader couldn't cure. Good characters, though not enough description. Overall; a good entertaining story, nicely done.